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We all know men suck at quite a lot of things, and some men suck more than others. You might be thinking (hoping?) that there’s a man out there who doesn’t suck at anything. But there isn’t. Seriously. They all suck at something. And when I say ‘they’, I mean ‘we’. Think of me as the ‘inside man’, reporting from behind enemy lines.

So, the most you can really hope for is to get your hands on a guy who sucks at something you can live with. His star sign may give you a snapshot insight into his suckiest quality.

The Aries man sucks at…

…having realistic expectations of his partner. He has a tendency to put his partner on a pedestal, creating an idealised version of them in his own mind that his real, flesh and blood partner will find extremely difficult to live up to. But, hey, there are worse things than being put on a pedestal, right?

The Taurus man sucks at…

…forgiving. If holding a grudge was an Olympic sport, the Taurus man would have more gold hanging from his neck than Mr T. Combine this Herculean capacity for resentment with the fact that he is easily slighted and you’ve got yourself a recipe for unwanted drama. But we all need a little bit of drama in our lives. Don’t we?

The Gemini man sucks at…

…stability. He craves newness. His worst fear is the same, old same-old. If you’re looking for a settled life of quiet contentment, the Gemini man is likely to be a spanner in the works. But who needs a life of quiet contentment when you can go on a skateboarding holiday to Afghanistan!

The Cancer man sucks at…

…not getting all… er… sort of Oedipal? He loves his mom. A lot. It’s a perfectly healthy love. Almost certainly. It can just seem a bit creepy sometimes, that’s all. You’re just going to have to accept the fact that you’ll never compare to his mom. On the plus side, his mom makes the best chicken pot pie, ever. Ever! Do you hear me? Ever!

The Leo man sucks at…

…humility. The Leo man turns swaggering into an art form. He doesn’t know what a bushel is never mind how to hide his light under one. Actually, what is a bushel? Anyway, the Leo man can turn the slightest incident into a self-aggrandising anecdote of epic proportions. It’s all very entertaining. But mostly for him.

The Virgo man sucks at…

…real life. Real life is a little bit grubby. Dirt is kind of impossible to avoid. Microscopic organisms abound. Most of us either accept it or are wilfully blind to the fact. The Virgo man is incapable of turning a blind eye to all those tiny, creepy-crawling microorganisms, He can’t see them, but he knows they’re there, by God! I mean, we all know they’re there, but they’re so tiny as to be insignificant. But not to the Virgo man. On the plus side, you’ll never lose a contact lens ever again. “There it is, next to the vile looking bacterium!”

The Libra man sucks at…

er… I’m not sure. It could be this. It could be that. Or it could very well be the other. Don’t ask the Libra man because he hasn’t the faintest idea. The only thing he can offer you with absolute certainty is utter indecisiveness. But if you’re the kind of person who likes to be in the driving seat, making all the decisions, controlling all the outcomes, then the Libra man is precisely the kind of dithering sap you’re looking to dominate.

The Scorpio man sucks at…

…moderation. He does everything to excess. He even does excess to excess. If we were being generous to the Scorpio man, we could quote William Blake: “You never know what is enough, unless you know what is more than enough.” Problem is, the Scorpio man never knows what is more than enough. So, you can see the problem. On the upside, he’ll probably do the things you like to excess, too.

The Sagittarius man sucks at…

…responsibility. Not that he’d call it ‘responsibility’. He’s more likely to refer to it as ‘enforced commitment’. This is potentially disastrous for any relationship… unless, of course, you’re the kind of person who doesn’t want to be weighed down by some burdensome bloke. If you own a Harley Davidson and have used the phrase “You’re suffocating me!” on more than one occasion, the Sagittarius man is perfect for you.

The Capricorn man sucks at…

…knowing when something is good enough. In fact, the very words ‘good enough’ sound like a wishy-washy compromise to the Capricorn man. Nothing is ever good enough for the Capricorn man. But if you’re the type of person who is always striving to get to the next level, forever onwards and upwards (i.e. a borderline-sociopathic careerist), the Capricorn man is perfect for you.

The Aquarius man sucks at…

…achieving. He’s a go-with-the-flow, see-how-things-pan-out kind of guy. If he does achieve something, it will almost certainly be by accident. He’s the kind of guy who says thing like, “I lost my job today but it’s okay because this dude sold me some magic beans! All our problems are over, baby!” But if you’re the type of person who would be up on murder charges if you had to spend more than a week with a Capricorn man, the Aquarius man may well be for you.

The Pisces man sucks at…

…being insensitive. That’s doesn’t sound too bad, does it? I mean, who wants an insensitive guy? Sensitive men are wonderful. But… did you ever see that episode of Friends where Bruce Willis opens up the floodgates on his emotions and then just can’t seem to stop crying? The Pisces man is like that. All the time. But if you want a man who makes you look like some kind of hard-assed Amazonian warrior queen, the Pisces man is for you.

Of course, all of the above are not strictly representative of all men of that particular zodiac sign. They’re more at the extreme end of the sucking-at-stuff spectrum.

Good luck, and may the least suckiest man win.

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